WOW I'm an idiot. Yep, I really, really am.

I say to Geoff, when he heads to bed around 11, "I'll be right in,". So what do I do? I decide 11 pm is a good time to make that end-of-the-year photo album on Facebook I've been wanting to make. So, yeah, I was "right in"...3 hours later...at 2 am. BRILLIANT! Because:

For the past 2 weeks or so, Brendan's been waking up once shortly after I put him to bed (an hour or two after), and once in the middle of the night--anywhere from 2 am to 4 am. I'm sort of glad that he is, in a way, because he's so busy in the daytime that he doesn't nurse for very long, maybe like 2-5 minutes, and sometimes will just refuse to nurse altogether. And when he does nurse in the daytime, he immediately rolls on his belly, he's raising his legs in the air, poking his fingers in my mouth (lol, he gets bitten), sticking his bum in the air, climbing, pushing--you get the idea. Whereas, at night, he's half-asleep, zombie-nursing with one eye shut and the other half-open, lying all nicely perfectly still on his side, and will nurse for quite a long time.

However! Lately, the past 2 or 3 nights, when he's woken up in the middle of the night, he's been up for almost 2 HOURS. O_O FACK. ME. Geoff's tired & grumpy ("he has to work in the morning", insert eye-roll here), I just want him to go back to SLEEEEEEP and leave me alooooone! Wth do you WANT, baby?! At 11 months, we're not going to start "sleep-sharing" every night now! I rather like having my bed space to myself. And Geoff is not a very sound sleeper, and does unpredictable things in his sleep sometimes.

I don't think it's his teeth. I don't think it's gas (although he has been farting more lately, lol). I think he's gotten into a habit. I'm not sure why he needs to be up for 2 hours, however. Up until a couple days ago, he would go right back to bed after I nursed him. THAT I can handle! Slight disturbance in sleep, nurse him while drifting in and out, stick him back in bed, tada!

Last night, I think it was my fault he didn't go right back to sleep. I put him back in bed, asleep, but then I had to feel around for his blanket--which was right where I had hung it, on the end of his bed, I just missed it somehow at first. So here I was feeling all around his bed, and he woke up. After that, I rocked him, like 3 times I think. EVERY time I'd put him down, he'd start in crying AGAIN. Oh. My. GOOD GOD. Almighty. Suddenly we've regressed to the newborn stage again apparently?!?! SO beyond frustrating.

And (I think) I may be suffering from S.A.D., as well. I have all the symptoms. And in fact, I always have had, I just didn't realize it. So, along with not going to bed early, not exercising, not eating well, and now sleep deprivation every night, I am NOT a happy Mummy. And not a very GOOD Mummy, either.

So now I feel shitty about myself as a mother, for, honestly, resenting my baby. That, of course, puts a bit of a wedge between us. Not only is all this detrimental to my relationship with the baby, it's taking a BIG toll on my relationship with Geoff. In fact, last night, because he was so pissy, I told him he may as well go sleep somewhere else. Which he did. Which neither of us really enjoyed, and he didn't get much more sleep than I did.

It's just not a fun time, on the whole, these last couple weeks. I still manage to do my housely duties, get a meal on the table for supper, shower, the basic necessities. But I am not feeling particularly swell.

I know that if I started getting some exercise, and getting out more, it would help with the S.A.D. But it's cold out, and I can't always take the baby out in it. And, Geoff has had my car all week this week, too, so I don't have any way of going anywhere. Even just to run errands would be a nice break!

In short, I am losing my mind, temporarily, and feel like a total failure as a mother. Who gets angry with a BABY (me)?! When I prayed for God to teach me to be more patient, I really didn't think He was gonna throw it at me THIS hard.