Part 2

(Continued from Part 1...)


And y'know, it's not only vanity, or my health, that make me want to lose weight. What I am doing is purely selfish. Call it what it is: it's GLUTTONY. We were watching "Over The Hedge" yesterday, and there was a little clip where the raccoon was explaining our love for food to the other animals. He said, "We eat to live, but THEY...live to EAT!" and continued to explain how our whole LIVES revolve around food, and how we practically worship it, and over-indulge, and waste it without a second thought.

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is that cliche little line, "Starving children in Ethiopia would just LOVE to have that _______!" But it's true! Thousands and thousands of people can't scrounge up enough food to SURVIVE. And here I am, snacking on tomorrow's dinner at midnight, and I'm NOT. EVEN. HUNGRY. I take and I take and I take, and abuse my body like there's no tomorrow. Literally, like there's no tomorrow. Well, there IS.

Q: Why will you not pick them up again?
A: I would LOVE to drop ALL this weight, and never pick it up again. I want to be healthy, feel great, and have tons of energy! I want to look great in clothes. I want to pick a size 12 off the rack and have it FIT! I want to feel sexy. I want to be able to climb stairs without feeling like an 80-year-old. In my next pregnancy pictures, I want to look adorable. I want people to say, "You're all belly!" Yes, thank you, I am, and I feel GREAT! I want to be able to borrow clothes from my sister again! I want to ride a horse without feeling like I might break its f**kin back (poor horse)! I want to ENJOY every day, I want to FEEL like accomplishing things, not to have to FORCE myself to.

So what's stopping me?

Fear. Really. That is HARD WORK. I would no longer be able to just eat with reckless abandon. Whatever, whenever, however much I want, til I'm practically ready to explode. Not only that, I would have to exercise. No two ways about it. If all I did was eat less, and eat more healthy, it would take YEARS to lose the weight. If I want to lose it in less than a decade, I would have to exercise. And for some reason, even though I know I enjoy it, it's daunting. It's like the dishes: the longer they pile up, the more overwhelming it is to tackle them--even though it's not so bad once I get started, and doesn't take that long, and I feel SO much better when they're done.

The other fear I have is that men will check me out. Seriously! I did used to have that problem. I say "problem", because very few attractive men my own age were the ones checking me out and/or hitting on me. It was usually the gross, old, drunk ones. Then again, I did work at a bar. But I am actually scared of the attention. NO ONE ever gives me a second look anymore. I don't have to feel uncomfortable. I don't have to avoid the creepy guys making passes at me. I'm even worried that my husband would be all over me more. He hasn't seen me without at least 40 extra pounds of flab in a LONG time. And truthfully, I want to be loved for who I am, not how I look.

I don't want people's first impression of me to be my looks. I want to be "judged" on my character. I'm scared of standing out, I'm scared of getting attention for the way I look. I did get attention for my talents, when I was playing a lot. But that's different. That's my abilities. That's something I worked hard for. That's something I WANT recognition for. Idk how I would feel if I was getting attention everywhere I went because I was losing weight.

I feel safer being fat.

I'm Brendan's mommy. I'm Geoff's wife. I'm that girl who plays piano. I don't know who else to be. I wouldn't know how to act.

So...here I am. Scarfing back food every chance I get, sitting on my ass, at the computer, dreaming about being as thin as the girl on that blog. Dreaming....dreaming....