Part 1

I just found this blog today: http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/
Been reading for over an hour now. It's a blog about a woman who lost 135 lbs. She is the same height as me. A little heavier, but basically the same. Like me, she knew how to lose weight. I know a LOT about healthy eating, and exercise. I've been learning about it since I was 13 or 14, after all. My mother used to have a subscription to Prevention magazine, and I read them all, from cover to cover. I've learned from more than just Prevention, of course.

A few years ago, I joined Weight Watchers. I started doing Leslie Sansone's Walk At Home videos, too. Between eating more sensibly, and exercising 3-5 times a week, I lost 15 lbs. Y'know, I'm not even sure how long that took. Not very, a couple months maybe? I felt great. I could even JOG. Yes, me, jog. Then, like many other things I've set out to do, my resolve crumbled.

So, here I am, over 200 lbs. At my heaviest, I was pushing 260. I was 9 months pregnant then, in my defense. But I only gained around 40 lbs. So. I can't blame it all on pregnancy. I don't actually own a scale, for obvious reasons, but I'm betting I'm around 230, maybe even more like 240. And while I know that it's not so much the number that matters...that's a pretty shocking number. To look at me, most would say I'm overweight. But 80 lbs. is more than overweight. I do believe that can be filed under 'obese'.

So back to this blog. It's great, because she doesn't just talk about her fabulous new skinny perfect life, or how she did it. She talks about all the emotional baggage, realizing that her dream of skinniness somehow making her life perfect was a fantasy, what she did and how she felt when she finally had reached her goal weight, how she maintains her weight, how she hated running. A lot more of the emotional side of her weight loss journey. In the post I'm reading right now, she says,

"I’m always interested to see how others have gone about their journey. More than the path they chose and the foods they ate, I’m looking to see introspection. Not the diet, not the will power, not the tips. I want to know the ‘why.’ Because at the end of the day that is the only question that matters. Why did carry those earned pounds? Why did you decide to let them go? Why won’t you pick them up again? Confronting the ‘why,’ confronting the truth behind each ounce of flesh, with eyes wide open, is the answer."

So, I'm taking the time to ask myself: what are my answers to those questions?

Q: Why do I carry these earned pounds?
A: Because I'm lazy, mostly. I sit, and sit, and SIT at this damned computer all day! I do occasionally pry myself away, but admittedly, I have an internet addiction. Seriously. When Geoff is on the computer, I'm just waiting anxiously for him to be done so I can use it. When Brendan is napping, although I do make sure chores are done, and supper is cooked, I'm on the computer. When he's asleep for the night, my whole evening, usually til ridiculous hours of the morning, consists of sitting at the computer, browsing through Facebook, Pinterest, and countless other things.

I also carry these extra pounds because I lack self-control. I feel like I ALWAYS need to be eating. It's not usually because I'm hungry. In fact, I'm rarely truly hungry. To some extent, it is boredom, because when I'm busy, I don't have time to be constantly looking for something to snack on. But I think it's mostly habit. I really start to feel anxious, if I'm not eating (or haven't just eaten). For example, about half an hour ago, I got up and ate 2 pieces of leftover deer steak. Not because I was really hungry, but because I wanted something to eat. It feels like an addiction. I may not have problems with substance addictions, but the internet, and food, have me totally hooked. They affect my life, and the lives of the people around me, in negative ways every day.

Q: Why do you want to let the extra pounds go?
A: Well, this one is easy: because being fat sucks. I've been overweight for a long time. Of course, I felt overweight in high school, but I really wasn't (very). Maybe 10 lbs. But everyone else (it seemed) was skinny and perfect, and I was "curvy", or "statuesque", as my mother liked to say. I had a few rolls that were crampin' ma style, at any rate. I certainly NEVER had flat abs, and my thighs haven't had a space between them for a LONG time.

I also know that if I don't get healthy and active soon, not only will I waste precious hours of my life staring at this stupid screen, but I will eventually have to face the consequences of my (in)actions. Heart disease. Stroke. Heart attack. Liver disease. Diabetes. High blood pressure. Cancer. I've had high cholesterol since I was 14. And what's next? The way I'm going now, I'll be at 300 lbs. by the time I'm done having kids. Easy.

12 years ago, I can remember talking to Geoff about my weight, and he didn't mind the extra pounds (still doesn't, so he says). He said something like, "If you were like, 200 lbs., that'd be different." Well, now I am. And I'm sure he'd still love me if I was 300, maybe even 400 lbs. But I wouldn't.


(Cont. in next post...)