I Wish I Was More "Zen"

I am capable of being a very introspective person. I have self-insight. I know myself. I know my behaviors. I don't always understand them, but I am honest about them. But I don't feel like I take the time, every day, to think about how I feel, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and connect with myself.

One thing I know is that I am not very good at controlling my emotions--negative emotions, that is. I'm not crazy. I'm really quite sane, lol. But if you'd ever witnessed an angry/upset outburst, you might wonder! Don't get me wrong; I'm not manipulative, I'm not delusional. Nothing like that. But I can flip that bitch switch way too easy sometimes.

Tonight, I headed out to Rose & Pop's for chocolate. Idk why, I wasn't even hungry at all. I had just finished reading a blog post about a woman's "blissful, orgasmic, euphoric, sensual" birth. O_o Ahh...whaaaa?!? Ok...it sounds totally hippie-ish, and way out there. But after reading it, in reality, the woman (and her husband) were just very connected to the intense physical & emotional feelings of her labour & birth. It sounds amazing...I wish I knew how to have a birth like that! Every time I read something like that, about being so connected to your emotions, and your physical feelings, I wish I was more "zen" like that. I wish I was so connected to my physical, emotional, and spiritual being. But the truth is, I don't spend any time with myself!

So...as I was saying. I headed out for chocolate. Halfway there, I realized, I don't really even want chocolate. I'm not even hungry! I decided to buy a drink instead. I was hoping for something fruity & fizzy...but, alas, I wound up with Stewart's Root Beer. :P Not quite the sparkling raspberry elixir I was dreaming of, lol. But it'll do.

On my way home, I thought, I should've just had a cup of tea. I should start drinking different teas. I know I've thought this before. But I always forget. I think it would help with cravings, if I could experiment with interesting (healthy) drinks. I recently read a blog about a drink called "shrub", which is a drinking vinegar. The particular one she made was raspberry. An earthy, tart, non-alcoholic, fermented "adult" drink. Anyhoo...

That thought led me to think about how little time I spend with myself. I don't do nice things for myself. I don't enjoy things just for me, not very often anyway. I don't take time for myself to enjoy a nice bath, or a drink, or just sit outside by myself. I'm not good at just being with myself! Therefore, I don't spend time thinking about, and dealing with, whatever I might be feeling from day to day. I guess, I don't like being alone with me...

I should do yoga. I should take time when I'm doing housework, or when I would normally be on Facebook, and focus on myself. I know, I'm sounding like a total hippie here. And no, I'm not on drugs, I promise. ;) I just wish I knew how to be more in control of my emotions, and more at peace--with myself, and in my every day life.