Well here, madam, is my reply to that:
I sleep-trained Brendan when he was 4 months. It probably was not the best thing I ever did, as apparently scads of studies now show that leaving babies to cry is bad for them. Well duh...we all feel that instinctively. As one mom put it, "I've certainly never felt better after a night (albeit teen angst related) of crying myself to sleep, why the heck would my baby that can't even look after itself in ANY sense of the word?" The scientific reason why it is a bad idea is that the stress hormone cortisol is "toxic" to the baby's developing brain.
Another reason I feel guilty about it is that when you view your baby's crying as a problem--eg. they've learned how to manipulate you, or, "he's just crying for attention", you may begin to feel negatively towards them. Negative feelings breed negative actions, and further frustration, as I have discovered. It is challenging enough to be patient with a fussy, crying baby, without having negative emotions in place to begin with.
When Brendan was around 2 months old, he began sleeping through the night. Usually 6-8 hour stretches (Hallelujah!). He did this all on his own. At that time, he was still in his little cradle, which was pretty much "co-sleeping", as it was literally touching our bed. He could feel us moving, he could hear us breathing, I would roll over and touch him. When he was 4 months, I figured it was high time to switch him to his crib, as he had turned sideways in his little cradle twice. That was when he started waking at night again.
Not only was he waking in the night again, he never settled easily for naps, or bedtime. It was always a struggle, and he would always cry as soon as I laid him down. He wanted to be with me, and on me, all the time. In our society, that's just not how it's done. Babies are scheduled: feed every 3-4 hours, play, nap, repeat. So...I wanted the "normal" parent experience. Baby sleeps, I do what I want, relax, have some "me time". I was overtired, exhausted, frustrated. This was NOT what I expected motherhood to be like (and I had plenty of experience with babies and children growing up)!
Lots of people are supportive of the cry-it-out methods. The baby is simply "protesting change", or "adjusting" or "processing" ...or...whatever. They have to learn to self-soothe. They'll adjust. It's a good thing, to teach them how to self-soothe, how to fall back to sleep between sleep cycles on their own. Right?
Well, yes and no. On the one hand, it is good that Brendan can self-soothe a little bit now. He often will suck his fingers, and settle down. But sometimes he doesn't, and he needs to be soothed. On the other hand, newborns really need to be within arms' reach (which mine was). It makes nursing easier, for one thing. Less wakeful. Or if the baby stirs, you can reach out and comfort him quickly. Also, a newborn's breathing is irregular, when they're all by themselves. Just hearing and feeling their mother's breath regulates their breathing. Sometimes they have bouts of apnea...and sometimes they don't wake up. If a baby is right beside his mother, she would feel this change in breathing, even in her sleep, and touch the baby.
Then again, sleep training is not recommended for babies under 3 months of age. However, keeping a newborn in his own room is, and many parents think it's better for everyone. I think that we often try to make our babies as convenient as possible for ourselves. And as exhausting as it may be, that just isn't how it should be. We all want our sleep. And if you happen to be a working parent, it's even more difficult when you're not getting it. But our children are only super-needy babies for a short time. I try to remember, "This too, shall pass."
Now comes this newfound information that cortisol is harmful to the developing brain. Crying-it-out=stress=cortisol. There is a way of sleep training (an older baby, usually) that is a bit kinder. Sheena did it with Matea, when she was 11 months. When Matea would cry, she would go into her room, pick her up, calm her, tell her it was bedtime, it was still nighttime, Mummy and Daddy were right across the hall if she needed them, and God was there, watching over her, to keep her safe-- and put her back in bed. She would repeat this as many times as necessary, til Matea went to sleep. I'm not sure how many nights it took, but eventually, she was confident, and not afraid, to go to bed on her own, in her own room. Without Sheena having to pace the floor with her, or rock her, for hours, before putting her down--only to have her eyes pop back open the second she touched the mattress.
I also know that Alice taught her first baby, Talia, to go to bed on her own, at 9 weeks. She first sat by her crib til she settled. Each night, she would move a little further away from the crib, and a little closer to the door, til finally, she was outside the door. This is another "no-cry" approach. This didn't work particularly well with Brendan. If he could see me, he would cry all the more, because he wanted me to pick him up. But this does work for lots of babies. I believe it is called "the extinction method". Or some such thing.
Shortly after I sleep-trained Brendan, he had trouble with weight gain. In fact, he was losing weight. I was sorely regretting my decision to "teach" him to sleep through the night. In fact, I woke him up to nurse him. This can be another downside to sleep-training, particularly with breastfed babies: failure to thrive, or poor weight gain. Breastfed babies need to nurse more often than we even think. We are taught to schedule them--feed every 3-4 hours, when really, they would naturally nurse one or more times EVERY hour. It's just the way breastmilk is designed. When Brendan was a newborn, he woke 3-5 times a night to nurse. When he was 2 months, he started to sleep longer stretches. But if I hadn't sleep trained him, he might've begun waking in the night to nurse again, during that time the the Tylenol was bothering his stomach and causing him to not nurse as frequently in the daytime.
In retrospect, I think I would not sleep train til later, maybe after 6 months. And obviously, I would take a different approach than what I did. Babies all sleep differently. Some babies sleep through the night right away, whether they're breastfed or bottle fed, doesn't seem to make much difference. Some don't sleep through the night til they're 4 or 5! Brendan still goes through phases sometimes where he wakes in the night (once). Usually something has disturbed him, and he's scared, or confused, or just upset that he's awake, and needs a little snuggle to fall back to sleep. Sometimes, he wants to nurse. Which I enjoy more now, as it's a rare occurance!
I no longer consider it a success that Brendan "learned" to fall asleep on his own by way of crying for 20 minutes (one time). Yes, I checked on him 4 times, patted his back, spoke softly to him. That way I didn't feel too cruel, and of course, I knew he was physically alright. But I now do feel terribly guilty that I "taught" him to fall asleep on his own in such a way, rather than taking the longer route, and teaching him to feel more secure gradually. Who knows how long it would've taken, or what it would've taken.
I think that sleep training has its pros and cons, and there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Doing it how many of the "experts" advise--simply leaving your baby to cry their head off, for as many nights as it takes for them to "learn"--in my opinion, is not the best way. And I did it that way, so I feel that I have every right to say so. Babies need us, even if it's just for security, and comfort. The needs of a baby are not simply food, clean diaper, warm clothes, burped. Another article I just read put it this way: "I have a question that I wish these experts would answer: Have you ever been fed, clothed, and dry and still been sad? Or scared? Or simply felt the need for human contact? If you answered no, you are either a psychopath or lying." If Geoff had been more comfortable with it, I may have even co-slept. Maybe next time?
I'm still learning...lots...every day. Babies are not meant to fit into our schedule. They schedule us! And that's not to say they don't need routine--it's VERY VERY important. But I vow, right now, to be more compassionate, and quicker to respond, when Brendan cries. I will not see it as him being stubborn, or "not wanting" to sleep. Ridiculous. My parents did try to tell me, "We took turns rocking Adam every night, for the first 3 months." I just didn't want to hear that at the time.
I read an interesting comment, on this post, in this particular group. A European woman said she tried sleep training, because she was confused about which approach to take: hers, or the "North American" style of parenting. Her mother told her, "Babies are not in the army, they do not need to be 'trained'. All we have to do is love them and teach them to love."
I wish that I had learned more about what was to come BEFORE I had the baby. I'm feeling a little better now. A friend commented on the post, and said, "...that is what makes you such a good mom; knowing that there are things that you would change, and then following through!! We all make decisions as parents, and sometimes after the decision is made, we learn of a different or better way..."
Now...it's midnight...and I hope to go catch that sleepy train myself.
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